SIMPLE JOYS
by An Mercado-Alcantara, Metro Working Mom, April 2002
Megastar Sharon Cuneta talks to MWM Editor-in-Chief An Mercado-Alcantara about the triumphs and travails of a working mom.
WITH SHARON CUNETA, what you don't see is as important as what you do see.
Having grown up in the public eye, her life played out transparent before us-starting out so sweet and innocent, stumbling bitterly in an early marriage, getting up heroically, working toward triumphant stardom, and now getting a new lease at family life. Yet, we still can't get enough of her. How else do we explain the curiosity about things invisible-those 60 pounds she's shed, the two babies she lost, the years spent privately in Boston, and the dreams that are not yet hers.
We dwell on the invisible because we suspect the essential there. Where can all that charisma come from? From where does she pull her strength? At what depths does her heart give way? And at what heights will she decide to simply settle?
We sat on her porch one late afternoon, telling stories into the dusk. As the shadows took over from light, her stories ventured into the unknown. The invisible became luminous: a little girl lost emerged-pining for her father, grasping for KC, holding on to a dream of solitude that politics may snatch away. In that gentle glow, we caught a glimpse of what is to come.
Sharon is in transition. Asked what more she asks from life, she springs for the intangible. "The tings you cannot buy. Constant and continious peace of mind and joy. The kind you cannot buy."
What she must have been struggling to define is contentment. And she may be at the brink of finally getting it. She may be beginning to see what her role model Oprah calls a woman's most treasured possession: a deep-seated suspicion that she is enough. There is nothing more she can look like, be, say, or do that will make her any more wonderful in the eyes of the Creator. A growing belief that love and affirmation can no longer come from others-not from her dad nor her husband, not from her kids nor her fans. Sharon is beginning to see that true worth comes from within.
In this, she could simply follow the lead of her little girl Frankie, the one whose love she doesn't need to work for, the one who loves her just because. For this darling daughter, Sharon is more than enough. As her photographer and mega confidante Jun de Leon says, with Frankie, all else about Sharon melts away, "She's not overweight, she's not the megastar, she's just a mother. That's when she's most beautiful!"
It's the road to a working mother's salvation. Happiness is after all a choice. It begins with choosing to believe that we have all that we need right now to be happy. Of course, it's a leap easier said than done, but for now Sharon sees and shares the invisible. And that, in the end, may be all that's essential.
AN: It's been less than two years since you lost your father. We know he meant the world to you. How has your world been without him?
SHARON: Sometimes when I have my low moments, I cry. I think that I have had such a good life, a charmed life, but now I know it will never really be complete. Especially, at Christmas, I become ma-sentimiento. My yaya has seen me grow up, she's like my second nanay. Sometimes, I cry to her and I say: "Ya, nakikita kaya ako ni Daddy? Nandiyan kaya siya? Nakikita kaya niya ako kapag urniiyak ako?"
From the day that my dad was buried, I have never been to the cemetery even when my mom asks me to go with her. Parang I want to think of him as just being in their bedroom.
Although I know that he's not really there anymore, that his body is really just a vessel that's left, I still sometimes worry about him out there alone. Baka he's cold. It's raining. And Kiko would say, "Daddy's not there na, he's in heaven na." And I would say, "Yeah, but that was the body I used to hug and embrace. I cannot really believe that he is now in a very cold box, all alone there.
Up to this day, l have very low moments. Last Christmas was my second without him. I keep thinking he didn't even get to see Frankie, he didn't hear my new CD. It hits me once in a while.
AN: I think deep inside you will always be daddy's little girl.
SHARON: Yes! To think that my daddy had several families before he settled with my mom, you'd think marami akong angst. Wala akong hang-ups, okay lang .ra akin. Parang feeling ko, Diyor ko ang bait bait ng tatay ko. Pabling riya, pero he was a great father.
Before I got married again, I was living with them. I was already separated, I had a daughter already, I was working to support her, I already had a boyfriend. But you know every morning I would still catch my Dad peeping into my room to check if I was okay. From my bedroom mirror, I would catch a glimpse of him opening the door. Daddy was quiet, but you could always feel his presence. He would always make it known.
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| It's the road to a working mother's salvation. Happiness is after all a choice. It begins with choosing to believe that you have all that you need right now to be happy. |
Even my older brother, up to the day before I married, would peep into my room at night and then come again in the morning to kiss me. Even today, when I see him I sit on his lap. He sends me sweet text messages. We're touchyfeely people. We're very malambing. My mom's like that, and my Tita Helen who is like a second mom to me.
Being malambing is deeply engrained in us, even in KC. I cannot imagine being cold and distant, parang everything ina-analyze. There has to be some passion in your life, that's part of my being a passionate person. I have no qualms about showing affection for somebody. When I laugh, I really belly laugh. But when I cry, burst into a super duper also. I hope my children get that.
AN: But you can't be too vulnerable and open in showbiz, you'll be eaten alive. How do you protect yourself?
SHARON: I've learned. I've been here almost 24 years. I can already feel when someone is not being sincere. I'm not always right, but I'm not clueless nor as trusting anymore. When you grow up in this business like I have, alam nao na ma.rki papaano. Kahit may bagong arti rta, ki-kirr .ra iyo, alam mo kung plastic. A lam mong ganoon. Kasi sa akin, [sweetness] was never a put on. 'Di ha when I was younger, people would say, "sobrang sweet niyan, napakaplartic naman." But I would think, ganoon kami, eh. Sorry na lang kayo, kayo pala hindi.
I learned early on that not everyone you're nice to will be just as nice to you. But I now know that that's their problem, not mine. I'm not going to lose sleep over that. I have so much love in my life as it is.
AN: How much of the way your parents brought you up influenced the way you brought up KC?
SHARON: My mom was Miss Culture, eh. She was the one who taught us manners. Si Daddy cowboy iyan-street smart. With mom, you had to know which fork to use; you had to know how to behave and how to find your place. You behave differently in Malacanang than if you were in, say, the studio. For us it was automatic.
It also helped that Dad was a politician to begin with. We were exposed to all types of people, not just people who would come to visit us at home. Mommy would bring us to the squatters areas to distribute goodies at Christmas. We would help prepare mga ralop ng bigas with canned goods.
My Daddy always told me that I am in a blessed position, not many people are as fortunate, pero hindi iyan pinagyayabang, hindi iyan pinagmamalaki. You have to understand what comes with having a life like this. You must try to reach out and make a difference. It doesn't have to be announced. Just do it quietly. I try to teach that to KC.
It's hard kasi. It's so scary. I tried not to give KC everything so early in life, but everyone else tried. There I was, trying to discipline her a little, trying to make her see the value in things and in waiting for things. Hindi lang iyon instantly nandiyan, you know `cause now it's such an instant world. They want everything now, right now, wala rila yung delayed gratification. {But in our position} we're celebrities, even if we try to pull the reins in a little bit, everybody naman is at their beck and call. So medyo I have a problem with that sometimes.
But she knows, like when we're here at home, we're normal. Her dad is a senator, I'm in showbiz, pero trabaho fang yan. It's something to be proud of and be grateful for, but it doesn't give you the license to throw your weight around.
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| "I'm constantly trying to to be the best mother there is -- because I am a working mom. I know the feeling. |
SHARON: Of course, you never want to get to the point that the child has already learned to use emotional blackmail on both parents, kasi magkahiwalay. So, if you can't give in to her, the other one can. Thank God si KC didn't quite reach that point. But for me, there was always that guilt. Because when she was small, every time I had to leave her, it would break my heart. But I had to let her know that every time mama left, you can be sure she would come back. She had to learn that mama had to work to put food on the cable. It was so hard.
I wanted her to sleep with me every night, but sometimes I had to work all through the night. So, I didn't want her to get so used to it na marnamatay .siya sa sakit ng loob dahil wala ako. It was hard to teach her independence, but at same time want to hold on to her ka.si kaming dalawa fang noon, Ang hirap hirap.
Right now, she's an independent spirit. But sometimes I wonder: what if the marriage didn't break up, would I have been able to give her more of what she deserved? Because I had to be both mom and dad, I had to work. I didn't want to go back to my mom and dad's house with my head bowed down sa hiya, "Sorry, I made a mistake. Can you take me again? Can I stay here and be a sampid?" For me it was now or never. I was 21. Thank God I made that decision.
I became a workaholic. I think because my work was my diversion. It kept my mind off the pain. At least at that point, my schedule alone was something I had control over. I had no control over how many people were going to see my movies, my shows. Parang binobola mo ang sarili mo na, I have control over my time, I have no control everything else. I took control of the little things like what am I going to eat today, what's KC going to wear? Where are we going to get the money to pay for electricity bills? But after a while, it became so bad that taking a day-off was a no-no to me. Parang time was always so precious nanghihinayang ako. So, I feel KC may have been shortchanged in terms of my time.
But you know, I was 19 when I had her. I know I can't justify it, but I was pretty much just a kid myself. I had some maturity to catch up on, too. I had to learn. I was growing up as I was raising her. Plus, I had to work because I had no partner. Yet, I had to be present in mote ways than one to her and for her, kaya kahit minsan alas singko ng zzmaga ako manggagaling sa shooting, eh may sports fest sa school. Hindi ako matzztulog, sasali ako ng race ng mga mommy.
I have always wondered, was it enough? Does she even stop, now that she is 16 almost 17, does she even stop sometimes to think, "Geez, my mom did so much for me pala."
KC is really such a good kid. It's just that at this age-and we've all been through that-you don't need your parents as much; or when you need them, you want them to be there immediately. But they don't really want you to be there all the time.
I understand that she needs to create her own identity. I think that's why she likes theater, because it's something that I've never done. That's her turf. She's such a good stage actress.
AN: How do you deal with the guilt?
SHARON: Life has its funny way of making things right. Someone told me this: you know when you're caught in traffic and you're late for an appointment, there's nothing you can really do, even if you scream your head off inside the car, you're not going to get to that appointment on time. Sometimes, when you just sit back, take a deep breathe, relax, and the keyword is, when you accept the situation. Suddenly, something's going to happen to change the flow of things, and before you know it, the cars are going to move. Sometimes, all you can really do is to accept, to swallow. It took me a while to learn, but I just had to say eventually, you know I'm not super woman. I can't do everything and be anything for other people, I cannot.
I will try my best to accomplish as much I can. I went through so many years of thinking so much of my daughter, my dad, making other people happy-making all the people around me happy. After a while, I stopped and asked myself, "Okay, when was the last time I really took a good look at myself and said okay, now it's time to take care of you."
After a while, it becomes so tiring to be the nurturer, the giver-although, I have a lot of givers in my life, but after a while, you just want to keep still and have someone take care of you. Hindi yung laging ikaw. Ka.si mommy ka, tapos rreisis ka, daughter ka. Ang danzi mong roles, `di ba, in the end you ask, "Teka muna, wala bang magnu-arerture.scz akin? Paano narrean ako?"
AN: That's ironic: most people are under the illusion that you can derive affirmation like that from your adoring public.
SHARON: You know sometimes like when I do a concert at Araneta Coliseum, there are like 20 to 25 thousand people there all at one time. It strikes you when you're on stage and everyone's just cheering, screaming, saying your name over and over, clapping, you realize that there's really just a few faces among the thousands that really matter to you. You realize that you cannot bring home all these people who love you just because, who shelled out their hard-earned money to see you . In the end, you come home, and there's only you. Then I realize, my daughter is growing up, she's starting to live her own life, my husband's so busy, I've been so busy, and then when my little girl's asleep, the home is so quiet. I can feel so alone.
AN: Ultimately, we have to learn to be responsible for our own nurturing.
SHARON: That is so true.
AN: How do you take care of yourself.
SHARON: I like quiet time. I like being alone. I hate the telephone. I don't like staying on the phone for a long time, and my friends know that. Because I make movies, and I really like movies. My favorite time is between midnight and sun rise because no one calls me, no one bothers me. I sneak out of the room Kiko and I share to the next room where I watch movies.
I love to read, so we practically have a bookstore upstairs, my husband and I. I get kind of sad when a book is ending na, then I wonder what I am going to do next. Will there be a book that's just as good?
And I pray. I talk to God. I have this constant conversation going with Him.
AN: How has Kiko's being a senator affected your life?
SHARON: If there's anything I feel conflicted about, it's that I want to be a really supportive spouse because I love him, I want to help him fulfill his dreams, but I also know I can't live within that world. I was thrown into this world, I really didn't want to have anything to do with it. I grew up with my dad, he was mayor, I knew this world. The irony is that I've always said I'll never marry a politician, it's been printed, it's been seen on TV. But you never know what life will bring you. I just love him, I know he has great intentions. But if I had the choice, I wouldn't get into it.
I really would rather not have a part in the world of politics, but I am already here, and I know that my husband is doing a good job, so at this point at least, that's enough for me.
I don't have to like it. I just have to accept it. I've swallowed a lot of pain in my life. I've been betrayed so many times. My heart has been broken, thrown in the blender. But I've always come out okay. I've been through bouts of depression, but I've never been defeated. I've never allowed myself in that position.
AN: What you're saying is defeat, like happiness, is a choice.
SHARON: I will never choose defeat.
AN: What makes being a mom the second time around different? Not many single moms get the second chance you got.
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| Sharon with husband Francis "Kiko" Pangilinan, daughters KC (right) and Frankie (center): "I have so much love in my life." |
I'm constantly working towards being the best mother there is-because I am a working mother. I know the feeling. It gives me a little pride that I don't depend on my husband for the gifts I give my mother. Or, when I have utang I need to pay for, I don't need to run to him. We help each other out with our expenses but I want to be independent.
AN: That's the mission of MWM, to encourage mothers to be the best person they can be because that will make them the best mom they can be.
SHARON: That's so true! When you are not happy with yourself, when you don't have an independent, individual life, you can never be of much use to anyone. How can you fill your kids' emotional needs when you're not even there yourself because you're not happy?
Everybody is born with a gift. It would be an injustice, such a sin, if we didn't learn how to use and maximize it. Especially us entertainers, we are in this unique position that we have a certain degree of influence over a certain number in the population. It is a big responsibility and it is a gift.
How many people are given that chance?
